“Anti-Taker” Promo
Writing Began: September 30th, 2005
Writing Finished: September 30th, 2005
iReason for this Writing:i
In any performance-based entertainment, I find it entertaining when the script calls for some sort of breaking of the 4th wall, as long as it is done in some sort of self-knowing way that still allows the scene to continue intelligently. I wanted to play with that idea some how, kind of winking at the audience, saying “Yeah, this is scripted”, and then immediately turning around and going “No it’s not!”.
I did NOT want to come right out and say that sports-entertainment is scripted or pre-determined in the way Vince Russo used to do in WCW (such as scripting performers to talk about the script itself), but rather just give a quick wink at the audience, only for the wink to be immediately slapped down.
This is my attempt at doing that. I had originally envisioned this promo being done by Kurt Angle before a “WrestleMania” match against The Undertaker, though it could be done by anyone at any time.
Promo
Angle comes out to the ring to cut a promo. “Everybody says I’m crazy to pick a fight with the Undertaker. Everybody says I’m crazy for wanting to fight him at WrestleMania, and everybody says I’m crazy for even attempting to end his WrestleMania streak. But I’m not crazy. No, I’m quite smart. See, I was on ‘Smackdown’ for a long time with Mark. That’s his real name, ‘Mark’, you don’t think his mom and dad decided to name him ‘Undertaker’, do you? Anyway, I know one of Mark’s little secrets. See, we all know that Mark can do some weird things. He can dim lights, he can make smoke, he can make fire, all these weird, creepy, spooky things. Well, here’s something that Mark doesn’t want you to know. Mark actually has a friend backstage, his name is ‘Kevin’ (or whatever), that helps him with all his stuff. Kevin, come out here a moment.”
Kevin comes out from the back (he’s down on the floor, by the announce-booth), pushing a cart with control-panels on it. “See, this man Kevin here, has been helping Mark with all his little magic tricks. You see that big control-panel thingy Kevin has there? That thing is programmed to do all sorts of neat things. Kevin, slide that little lever on there.” Kevin slides the lever, and the lights dim; he then brings the lights back up. “Hey Kevin, push that button there.” Kevin pushes the button, and smoke starts to appear from under the ring. “Hey Kevin, show them what happens when you push that big red button.” The staging area erupts in flames. “Come here Kevin.” Kevin walks to the ring, leaving the control-cart behind. “Kevin wanted to come forward because he’s sick of the lies. He’s sick of living in deceit. And he’s sick of helping a phony. That’s right, Taker, you’re a phony! And Kevin here doesn’t want to help a phony anymore! But you know who isn’t a phony? Kurt Angle isn’t a phony. Kurt Angle is as real as they come. You only win matches because of all your little mind-games, Mark, but I win matches cuz I’m an Olympic Gold Medalist! You’re a fraud, Mark, just like all your little special effects!”
BOOM! A bolt of lightning strikes the control-cart. Angle: “What happened?” Kevin shakes his head, he doesn’t know what happened. Everything starts to completely bug-out (the ring shakes, the lights dim, there’s smoke and fire and rain falling from the ceiling, etc.); “What the hell is going on, Kevin?” Kevin looks terrified. Taker appears on the Tron: “ANNNN-GULLLLLL!!! How DARE you attempt to trivialize The Undertaker!” Angle and Kevin are freaking out. “How DARE you attempt to undermine who The Undertaker is and what The Undertaker stands for! If you’re going to attempt to play mind-games, boy, you better damn make sure they work! The Undertaker is every bit as real as the sun, as real as the Creatures of the Night, and as real as the fear you’re feeling right now! And I guarantee you, that the pain you feel at WrestleMania will be very, VERY real, Angle, more real than any pain you’ve ever felt!” Druids start coming-out from the crowd and from under the ring, surrounding the ring. “Kurt Angle… Rest… In… Peace…” Angle, scared out of his mind, runs out of the ring and to the back, while the druids grab ahold of Kevin. Fade to commercial.
